Raising Negi: The Formative Years
by UberNimrod
Summary: Fifteen fanfiction authors from around the world are surprised to learn they have suddenly appeared in the Negimaverse, and tasked to raise little Negi after his home village is destroyed by demons. How could anything go wrong with this idea? Rated M because we swear.
1. Chapter 1 Paradigm Shift

_WARNING: Self-inserts detected. Proceed at your own risk._

_Yes, there are self-insert characters in here. Fifteen of them to be precise. Each one a member of the fanfiction writing group known as Ala Iridia._

_Fifteen fanfiction authors trying to raise a fictional character. That is the overarching plot for this story. Most of us will be contributing to this story one way or another. I will likely be doing most of the writing._

_Each self-insert is a highly trained professional. Do not attempt this at home. No really, don't attempt this at home._

_By the way, I don't own Negima, or any of its characters. Neither do any of the members of Ala Iridia. But the members of Ala Iridia do own their self-inserts._

_._

_._

Chapter 1 Paradigm Shift  
by UberNimrod

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Time: March 12, 2013 approximately 11am Central Daylight Time  
Location: Various

.

Old Man Winter still had a decent grip on the North American continent, as parts of the Midwest and Northeast were trying to warm up. One person in Ohio in particular was frustrated at being as cold as he was trying to work outside. Someone else in New York was frowning at the television set as he was watching the flood warnings as well as watching the rain outside his window.

Elsewhere someone else was coming out of a bookstore in Missouri putting his purchase into his oilcloth coat pocket before getting into his vehicle. In California yet another person was beginning to go outside to run errands in the cool weather.

Other countries around the world were experiencing normal weather for the season. In Argentina and Venezuela it was bright and sunny. South Africa and the Philippines on the other hand had clouds, but the chance of rain was slim over most of those countries

All in all, fifteen people around the world were going about their day, minding their own business. At least until all of them disappeared simultaneously.

The few people that witnessed two of the disappearances told the police that there was a flash of light, then whoever had been there was gone. No puff of smoke, or even a 'poof' noise. Both incident reports would eventually go into whatever file unsolved cases go, as would the missing persons reports of the other thirteen disappearances.

Very few people would think to check if any of the missing people were connected in some way. Some research was done but nothing came of it as the disappearances themselves were widely scattered, and very few witnesses were present to even notice the flash of light that accompanied the disappearances

* * *

Time: Unknown  
Location: Unknown

.

Fifteen people materialized out of thin air and fell five feet onto the ground. Again no puff of smoke or noise. The light show from fifteen various flashes wasn't much to look at either.

Of the various members of _Ovis aries_ that were grazing nearby, only one bothered to look at the disturbance that had happened near its flock. Being that it was a member of _Ovis aries_, it almost failed to become alarmed at the apparent intrusion. The animal in question, a male with some small horns, briefly considered charging at the intruders, but evidently decided against physical combat as the intruders were in fact on the ground in various stages of discomfort. It then decided that the grass in front of it deserved its attention and resumed grazing.

Fifteen people stood up from where they had fallen on the side of a gently sloping hill, several of them muttering random things varying from "What happened?" to "Where are we?" with "What the [censored]" coming in second place.

Any pretense of getting answers were interrupted by what sounded like a woman screaming, followed by an explosion coming from over the hill that they had landed on.

Naturally curiosity won out over every other emotion, and so fifteen people scrambled to get to the hilltop so they could see what was going on.

What they saw when they arrived was a village. Quaint, remote, and in various stages of disarray. Far too many houses were on fire, with several residents apparently standing around wondering what to do. Another explosion happened, and the propane tank that until previously held propane decided instead to try and see how high it could go into the air.

There were bodies. Quite a few of them. Some of them didn't look human. One looked like a gargoyle come to life, if gargoyles were 10 feet tall with wings as large as their bodies.

Almost everyone decided at roughly the same instant that they needed to run. One decided to run away, while most everyone else ran down into the village to see what could be done. Two others decided to remain motionless apparently shocked by the scene below them.


	2. Chapter 2 Introductions are in Order

_WARNING: Self-inserts detected. Proceed at your own risk._

_Yes, there are self-insert characters in here. Fifteen of them to be precise. Each one a member of the fanfiction writing group known as Ala Iridia._

_This story came about as a result of a discussion on the TvTropes forums. It started as a joke, but when I volunteered to write the story, most everyone else thought it was a good idea. Even after they read all the stuff I've written, they thought it was a good idea. _

_Ok, I'm kidding. Two people encouraged me. The rest were indifferent. Until I actually started posting snippets for them to read._

_Obviously, putting self-insert characters into a story is a Bad Idea, but it was decided that since I was already on double-secret probation, that this would be a fitting punishment for me. If the story sucks, then it becomes my fault. Real simple really._

_Each self-insert is a highly trained professional. Do not attempt this at home. Do not attempt this at someone else's home either. The lawyers are beginning to complain, and we are really tired of hearing about it, so please don't try it._

_By the way, I don't own Negima, or any of its characters. Neither do any of the members of Ala Iridia. But the members of Ala Iridia do own their self-inserts. So there._

_._

_._

Chapter 2 Introductions are in Order

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Offscreen Moment of Awesome  
By EvaUnit01 AKA Gundam Kaiser

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Fuck.

Brilliant, man, just _brilliant_. Screams and a burning town over the hill, so naturally I'm heading _right for the place that screams ENTER AND DIE_. Why am I doing that again?

Oh yeah, I remember now. I don't know how to turn down someone in need of help. Damn you, conscience.

There was a dozen or so other fellas at the hill who came down with me, but somehow we've all managed to separate ourselves.

After catching sight of some kind of monster, I somehow managed to keep my shit together and hide around the corner of a building. I mutter to myself, "The hell kind of mutt was _that_?"

Stupid monster dogs.

Looking about, the fire's actually relatively tame as far as scope goes - yeah there's a whole section of the place in flames, but maybe half or so of the rest of the village is mostly intact.

Suddenly, I hear a scream. Peeking around my cover, I see some people cornered by the aforementioned monster. They looked decidedly different from any of the guys I remembered on the hill.

_What would Kira do? Actually, scratch that, getting into the mindset of a dude with a God complex never ends well. In that case, what would Lelouch do?_

Quickly remembering a few scenes from _Code Geass_, I look around and observe a warehouse that, according to the sign, stores a bunch of alcoholic crap.

And, if I run my ass off in a straight line, I'll pass by a burning shed with a _very_ attractive-looking half-burnt stick I can use for a torch.

Presuming luck is on my side... I can do this.

Taking a deep breath, I duck out and make a run for the winehouse, slowing down only a little to get the makeshift torch in one hand, and to pick up a good-sized piece of rubble in the other.

I then stopped just short of my goal and then yelled, "OI, YOU SHITTY MUTT!" and then threw a rock at it.

Normally, my aim kinda sucks, but I got lucky and beaned it in the head.

It suddenly occurred to me that the success of my plan hinged on getting a demonic mutt hellbent on killing me.

While it _was_ bleeding where I got it, it sure as hell wasn't dead; soon as I saw it come turn and glare at me, I paused, wondering how it would react.

When it howled, probably to summon reinforcements, I bolted into the building and up the staircase. Gonna need gravity on my side for this.

I was fortunate that it seemed to prefer stalking behavior as opposed to a berserk rush, because otherwise I would've probably been dead meat.

Once I got to the second floor, I found a crapton of barrels marked 'RUM'. I had just enough time to rearrange a few and roll them to the top of the stairs when the hounds started running up.

The adrenaline from ohmigodgottatryandstayalive must've been making me giddy, because despite myself I grinned and in deliberate Engrish yelled "BARRERUUUU..."

"PHANTOOOOOOOOOOM!" Then I shoved the barrels down the stairs, watching as they collided with the hounds, causing several yelps of pain as the barrels burst, drenching the ground floor with rum.

Seeing that they were still pissed and intent on coming after me, though, I panicked - actually, I'd been counting on the fact I'd panic, because if I were thinking rationally there's no way in hell I'd have done this - and threw down the torch, before breaking open a window and leaping out just in time to avoid the

_**FWOOOOOOSH**_

Yeah, that. Thank God my sense of smell doesn't work, or I'd be probably puking my stomach out in the next few minutes.

Then I crashed into a huge pile of straw. Damn, I've had better luck in the past five minutes than I've had in the past five _weeks_.

At that time, one of the people I saved from that first mutt came around and offered me a hand up. "You okay, stranger?"

Gratefully, I accepted it. "Shaken halfway out of my skin, but yeah."

Shaking his head, the guy asked, "I appreciate your help. Man, you must have a lot of guts, to set a winery on fire while you're still inside it."

Pausing for a second, I muttered, "Um, yeah, guts, it that's what you want to believe, then who am I to dissuade you?"

"What's your name, stranger?"

Now, I hadn't yet put my finger on it, but something had been not quite right with me for some time. And now that I had a moment to cool my head and think rationally, I did. I was in a strange place in an unknown time, and I'd just incinerated a monstrous breed of dog that I was positive simply did not exist.

So since I'm probably either hallucinating/dreaming, or some mysterious force has put me in an alternate reality - yeah right - something tells me that divulging my real name would be unwise.

"My real name is a secret, but you can call me... Unit." As I gave him a thumbs-up, I explained, "It's 'cause I'm a one-man rescue unit!"

* * *

Mage and Magic  
By UberNimrod and SCM of 2814

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He didn't know where he was. He had no clue how he had even gotten there. All he was certain of was that he didn't want to be where he was. And if that didn't sound like the start of a bad self-insert, then he was a Twilight Fan.

Not a minute previous, he'd packed the cord to his iPad in his vest next to his engraving drill before grabbing the iPad itself. Then he had appeared here, falling on his back (luckily the pillow in his back pocket cushioned the fall) and holding the iPad for dear life.

He had been rubbing his sore back when he had followed everyone else to the top of the hill. He saw the devastation below as well as saw the monsters that were present. He made the decision right then to not be anywhere near any of it. He wasn't crazy, after all. He knew this bit. He was an ethnic, non-Caucasian character with an abrasive personality and, most importantly, wasn't a hot girl with huge cans. Smart thing to do was cut and run, and hope Death by Pragmatism wasn't on, because if he was the first to die just to prove how serious the situation as... well, wouldn't that be ironic?

So he ran. Or tried to anyway.

Fortunately, he noticed the monster eating one of the sheep moments before it noticed him. He turned and ran towards the burning village, confident in both his speed and ability to at least find someplace to hide until things settled down.

Clearly, in retrospect this meant he'd already gone delusional from stress...

Be that as it may, the plan did hold long enough for him to get to the village and find a hiding place. It was a fairly well-decorated hiding place, with three statues just in front of the door. He moved around them and started to enter the building when he paused, then proceeded to take another look at the 'statues.' "Oh, THAT can't be good."

They were too lifelike to suit him, but he reasoned that if someone had turned people into statues, then they would not be back by anytime soon, on account of already having searched the area for people. Still, pragmatic paranoia made him reach into one of his vests many pockets, then, not finding what he was looking for there, search several more until he found the credit card-sized rectangle of shiny metal he used as a mirror, in case the gorgon who'd done this (of COURSE it was a gorgon, what else did this?) was still around.

Someone once defined Logic as a way of going wrong with confidence. That confidence lasted just long enough for him to be shocked by the appearance of a monster a moment after he had entered the house. Apparently, it hadn't gotten the memo that the building was already searched.

He tried to calculate his odds, mentally kicked himself for trying that because real-life math did NOT work that way and gave up when the monster roared its disapproval and charged. That's when he noticed the long knife that it carried. He noticed it was rather sharp after he jumped over a couch the instant before the knife came down and chopped it almost in half.

It did not, in any way, look gorgon-ish.

Of course, if he had to pick the monster out of a police lineup he would be in trouble since it had little in the way of memorable features except for a strange Nike Swoosh shape on its forehead, but when your life is in danger, you don't turn around to see what it is that's trying to kill you. It is a survival instinct based on Common Sense. Horror movies commonly show people who die from turning and looking at the monster trying to kill them.

He turned and ran back the way he came, turning every first corner he came to and trying everything he could to get out of the thing's sight. He could hear it coming up behind him, steps light but footfalls oddly heavy, and that didn't really make sense, but—

As he passed a burning house, something grabbed the collar of his vest and _pulled_, hard. He stumbled, the vest half-slipping off his shoulders. Possessive instincts that in hindsight he would realize were quite frankly _suicidal_ made him try to shrug it back on, only to be jerked back by a more deliberate pull.

He tried to go with the motion, trying to use it to tackle the _thing_ and get away as it fell. He was about half-successful.

As he fell on top of the larger creature, who from what he could see had only been knocked down by surprise at the unexpected maneuver, an idle part of his mind wondered suddenly why he hadn't run into a pleasantly feminine-looking creature. There were always things like those in mythology, surely it wasn't too much to ask for _one_, was it?

Self-preservation and fear finally double-teamed avarice, and he struggled to shrug out of his vest, even as he cried for the stuff in it. He swung wildly, managing to slam a fist into the things eye, and it flinched, grip loosening as it instinctively raised hands to its eyes. "Oh, you bastard!" it cried in a surprisingly effeminate voice that for some reason reminded him of John Cleese. "You fucking bastard!"

Not even hearing that was enough to slow him as he awkwardly tried to run, to take advantage if this opportunity… and felt _something_ hit his leg below the knee when he was trying to stand up. He felt strange line of heat as he suddenly collapsed, wincing as he caught himself on his hands. That stung!

He tried to keep moving, to push himself up and get his legs back under him, something, anything!

"And to think I was gonna bring you home to my little Cynthia, " it said behind him. "You little bugger! You know how hard it's gonna be gettin' my little girl a souvenir now that we've burned down the gift shop?!"

He felt one of its oddly heavy, oddly light steps and started to search his vest quickly. There was another step, then a pause.

He prayed, and spun, rolling over.

The things heavy knife cracked the reddened stones he'd been on, and he jerked, grabbing the thing's forearm— it felt like furry rubber, a more tactile part of him noted— pulled, using it as leverage to pull himself toward its face, stabbing with his other hand.

When telling others about it later, after his first educational experience with REAL painkillers and being drugged against pain, he admitted that he had gotten lucky. Very lucky. His engraving drill managed to go right into its eye.

The monster hit the floor, dead as Eugenics as a serious science. _Poor Cynthia_, he thought. _No souvenirs_. He tried to stand, then discovered why he his thighs felt so wet.

_My leg's off. That's not good at all_. His brain wanted to make the Monty Python quote, but he was failing as to which line came first. That was a bad sign.

He felt heat at his back. _The burning house_, he realized. Random thought came together even as he realized he was losing lucidity, and possibly life. _Huh… so this is what it feels like…_

One chance. Hope. Fire… find. Find. Burn. Pain…

Dark… Darker…

_Huh… I'll take the lack of robed skeletons or hot goth girls with top hats a good sign…_

As he passed out from the pain and blood loss, he saw one last thing, and had one last thought.

The hem of a robe.

_Crap._

* * *

Entrance  
by Sinclair

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The village was burning. This much was glaringly obvious by the screams and light show. Clouds of billowing smoke rose above, stinging in the eyes. Every once in a while indistinct shapes seemed to be moving through them, but that must have been a trick of the mind.

For the n-th time in the past few minutes, the man wondered what he was doing. It was hard to breathe from ash and heat, doing their best to roast him alive. In hindsight, running toward a village ablaze instead of away from it certainly wasn't the smartest idea.

And why was it so dark? Even with the thick smoke covering the sky, he had run at least half a mile before reaching the village. All the while under a starlit sky. He could have sworn it was midday a few moments ago.

Pausing to collect his breath from a coughing fit, the man fumbled in his pocket, finally retrieving a mobile. No time to ponder that now. Need to call the fire department. How was that again? 9...

* * *

Nope. Not that one either. He tried them all, but none came with a signal. This was frustrating! Glaring at the phone, the man almost didn't notice someone turning a corner, followed by... What the hell?!

The man could do nothing but gape, as what could only be described as a Cyclops came barreling down the street, thick legs pumping furiously. Whether by fate or fixation it didn't notice him leaning against a wall as it run past, bellowing a battle cry.

He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, his brain trying to reboot. That was a cyclops! There was no doubt about it, even if a large portion of his brain screamed of impossibility. Now he knew what he had seen in the smoke. There were demons around, even if he refused to believe it. Demons burning down every house and hunting down every human they could find. And he's been standing around in the street for how long? Oh CRAP!

That single thought finally managed to kick the stalled brain into working order enough to at least not stand in the open like a target. Feeling like he was moving in molasses, the man dragged his body to a nearby door. First priority: Find shelter.

The hut was relatively untouched by flames, which was curious considering how spacious it was. Nobody was inside. Thankfully, there were no signs of blood either, so the occupants had probably fled to safety. At least he hoped that was the case.

Second priority: Find a weapon.

The man made his way to the living room. There, by the fireplace, he spotted what he was looking for. If these really were demons, or fey, or whatever, and if the legends were true, then they had a crippling weakness to cold iron. And failing that, a good smack with the poker would work on most other things. Of course a +5 Blade of Demon Bane would have been preferable, but beggars can't be choosers. If only he could find a radio.

* * *

Moving slowly, almost hugging the walls, the man made his way from house to house. There was precious little cover other than the occasional overturned cart, and the constant shouting, screams, and... other sounds, filled him with undiluted terror. Sure, he had thought many times about living in a fantasy world, but he never imagined it would be so absolutely terrifying.

He jumped behind a dustbin just in time for a huge demon to barrel down the street. This was becoming a much too common an occurrence in the past hour. Or was it just a few minutes? When you go on adrenaline and fear, trying desperately to think of anything that would reduce the chance of the day (or night as it were) ending in horrible painful death), you kinda lose track of time. If anyone claims not to be scared in a situation like this, he's either lying or insane. Possibly both.

It was when he was sneaking around in the general direction of where he figured should be the town square; looking for a post office, town hall, or anything that could allow him to determine where he was beyond the immediate 'in a village', that he heard it. A clearly female voice shouting one word that hit him like a sledgehammer. "NEGI!"

* * *

_**Omake:  
**_By SCM of 2814

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Somewhere on Venus, a little loli with cute little wings, enormous but purely decorative fangs and absolutely no clothes on went over to her mother, a rather pretty, albeit flat-chested woman with light-purple skin and with a snake's tail instead of legs from the crotch down. "Mommy, was that daddy? Is he finally coming home?" Daddy had been busy looking for work for the past several months. After all those budget cuts the government had needed to make to deal with the energy crisis, he'd had to be let got from his already-low-paying job as a cook in one of the Rainyday House's local call centers. But he'd FINALLY called to say he'd had a job, outsourced from Mars, and what's more, he was even going to be allowed to come home the next day! He'd promised Cynthia he'd bring her back a nice souvenir from his job, something cute she could play with.

Cynthia's mother turned to her daughter, and Cynthia felt a feeling of dread. "Cynthia... that was the job agency..." she said. "Your father... your father won't be coming back. They said... they said there'd been an accident on the job, something about an engraving drill..." Cynthia's mother collapsed, her tail folding up beneath her as she burst into tears.

The little 70-year-old stared blankly, still too young to understand the concept of mortality, even as a part of her instinctively knew what it all meant. "But... what about my souvenir?" she asked hollowly. She'd been so looking forward to keeping it in her room, and playing with it, and teaching it magic, and maybe trying out those things from those magazines her friend HaROOnah had shown her, the one where the boy and the girl had been joined at the waist...

Somewhere in Wales, a body with one leg cut off twitched, somehow feeling he might have missed out on a good thing...

* * *

_**Nimrod Notes:**_

For the record, the quote is, "Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence" by Joseph Wood Krutch. If I had been him, I would have shot my parents for giving me a joke name.

But here is where I will be putting random notes about the story. Anything from how I was inspired to quotes, to whatever strikes my fancy.


	3. Chapter 3 And Now for Something

_WARNING: Self-inserts detected. Proceed at your own risk._

_Yes, there are self-insert characters in here. Fifteen of them to be precise. Each one a member of the fanfiction writing group known as Ala Iridia._

_Obviously, putting self-insert characters into a story is a Bad Idea, but if you've read this much of the story so far, you'd know that this was the entire theme behind this story. The main plot so to speak._

_Yes this is wish fulfillment at its finest. Fifteen fanfiction authors trying to raise a fictional character. The only way this could be even more ridiculous would be to add bikini models to the mix, so that everyone gets a harem._

_I figure I'm insulting your intelligence enough as it is without resorting to adding the bikini models. I already have plans to add to the insanity, I don't need more._

_Each self-insert is a highly trained professional. Do not attempt this at home. Blah, blah, blah. You've heard this before, I don't know why I am bothering to repeat it._

_By the way, I don't own Negima, or any of its characters. Neither do any of the members of Ala Iridia. But the members of Ala Iridia do own their self-inserts. So there._

_._

_._

Chapter 3 And Now for Something Completely Different

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Out in the Cold  
by Sereg

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Standing ankle-deep in snow is usually a good indication that you are not in Cape Town, South Africa. Especially when Autumn has barely started. This went though the man's mind as shivers went through his body. Unfortunately, the reason that the man was in shorts and a T-shirt was not because he was a total badass, but rather because he had expected the temperature to be something closer to thirty degrees Celsius than below zero. At least he'd bothered to wear a shirt at all today. He had spent time standing in fridges at Supermarkets when he was younger, but as he knew from experience, dealing with the cold out in the wild was a bit different. He'd done that once before and had never wanted to experience that again. While his eyes were terrible and he hadn't used his glasses since losing a lens years before, even he could see the fires in the distance. Well, he'd always wanted to help people and at least he'd be warm. He hurried towards the village, annoyed with how his body was slow and unfit and how his shoes had seen better days. He also thought to himself that when he asked for guidance he wasn't referring to something like this. Still, he was grateful for how explicit this seemed and supposed that he'd had some experience with weird stuff before, even if it had never manifested this way.

He approached the village and noticed that there were many statues around. Fair enough. However, there were also strange creatures attacking.

He paused. As he'd just been reminiscing, he'd had experience with weird things before. But these were a lot more solid and numerous than he was used to. Still, once you'd seen one, others didn't induce more fear than you've ever felt anymore. These may have been different, but he'd dealt with other strange things before and he'd already decided to help these people. He really was too stubborn for his own good. He picked up a stick, wincing as his fingers dug through the snow and lifted it above his shoulder as he prayed. He then ran towards the nearest creature which began to turn towards him.

As stealth was clearly out of the question, he screamed as he rammed the stick against the creature's shoulder. When one has the minimum strength for a human according to Dungeons and Dragons and one is attacking something bigger than they are, one should be aware that the following may happen: The creature did not flinch at the impact. Instead, it stuck its claws into the man's abdomen. The man collapsed to the floor in agony. If there was one symptom of disease he hated more than any other, it was vomit. Naturally, he began to produce it and lay shivering in a pool of melting snow and his own fluids.

* * *

The Gods Must Be Crazy  
by UberNimrod

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Time: Unknown.  
Relative Time: Approximately 3 minutes after insertion.  
Location: Unknown.  
Relative Location: Approximately 200 yards from insertion point.

.

_Ok. Why are you doing this?_

'Which 'this' are you referring to?'

_Running into an obviously dangerous situation._

'Because for the first time in my forty-one years of existence, I seem to have stumbled into an adventure? Complete with monstrous humanoids acting like monsters? I've started D&D campaigns like this.'

_Might I remind you that D&D characters also usually have a weapon of some sort when you started them out like this? Come to think of it, even a few bullets would be really helpful right about now._

At that point something large stepped out of a side street and glanced in my direction. Obviously my argument with my Common Sense was going to have to wait. Discretion being the better part of valor, I valiantly ran down an alley in an effort to get away.

The sound of something lumbering behind me as I ran through the alley indicated that my escape was not going to be entirely successful. The sound of whatever-it-was _gaining_ on me indicated that I needed to change tactics.

When I figured that the whatever-it-was in question was almost upon me, I suddenly turned, kicked a trashcan in front of it and pressed my back against the building that I was closest to.

The thing tracked me with its eyes, much to my surprise. It looked at me with what I could only guess was confusion as it stepped on the trashcan that I had thrown in front of it. That expression changed to surprise as it fell forward crushing the trashcan as it collided with the ground solidly, knocking it unconscious.

_I can't believe that actually worked._

'Neither can I. Decided to return to argue some more?'

_Only to remind you that it would be nice to have a weapon. Or bullets._

I looked around. Nothing screamed 'weapon' unless I counted the collection of empty Guinness bottles in a nearby trashcan. I seriously doubted my ability to hold my own in a bar fight, much less a real fight like the one I had managed to avoid just seconds ago.

"Never a crowbar when you need one. What kind of crappy fighting game is this?" I complained aloud.

"The kind that you are not supposed to win." came the reply.

"Remind me to complain to the system administrator then." I said as I turned around to face the direction the reply had come from.

_This isn't good._

'Thank you Captain Obvious.'

At the entrance of the alley that I had ran into stood something obviously not human but my height. Two horns stuck out of the sides of its head like bull horns, which happened to be a rather close description of its head as well, save that it was more skeletal than most bulls than I had seen. It held a sword in one hand, and wore a loincloth and a smug expression.

It grinned. "Going somewhere?"

I smiled. "Not since the reinforcements are here now."

"Huh?" It turned and looked behind it. When it turned back, I was in the process of fleeing the alley.

_And again, I can't believe that worked._

'We haven't escaped yet. Oh wait...'

The thing roared its disapproval and charged towards the other end of the alley hoping to catch up. What it caught however was an iron rail to it's head as it came out.

_Much better._

'Yeah well, don't get your hopes up yet.' I dropped the iron rail that I had nearly tripped over as I exited the alley before grabbing the sword from the thing. 'Oh look, I now have a sharp stabby thing. Even though I have no clue how to use a sword.'

_At least you have something._

'Rather have the bullets, thanks. I wonder where everyone else went?'

That really was bothering me. There was about ten or twelve people that ran down here to this village/town/whatever along with me, but since I'm not the fastest thing on two legs, everyone else ran off ahead. I prayed they were fine, even if I had no idea who they were.

Of course you realize that the act of wondering where someone is will increase the probability of their appearing. Especially if they are the sort of person that will get on your nerves. Naturally this means that the more annoying someone is, the greater the probability of their appearing.

Had I realized that, I might not have been so eager to wonder. As it was, there was someone running towards me with one of those _things_ behind him. I grabbed the iron rail again with my free hand and stepped sideways to avoid being seen by the creature before placing the rail against the wall of the building I was hiding behind.

To my lack of surprise, said person ran out of the alley. When he did, I stepped forward and swung the sword around with both hands.

To my surprise, the creature just caught it in it's hands. It didn't seem to even hurt it's hands doing that.

"Well crap." was both my first thought and the words that came out of my mouth.

It smiled, and not in a nice way. "Foolish human. Did you think you had a chance to kill me?"

"Actually, yes." I said as I tugged on the sword suddenly.

The thing hissed as the sword slid out of it's grasp, cutting it's hands open as it did so. "You'll pay for..." it started to say, before it was cut off by someone hitting it on the head from behind.

As I dodged the falling body, I glanced behind it to see what had happened. "Oh good. I see you found the iron rail I set up behind me." I said as I spotted the person who ran by seconds previously.

He nodded. "It was the only thing I could see."

"I don't suppose you know how to handle a sword?" I asked.

"I had about half an hour of fencing instruction once." he said.

"That's a half hour more than I've had. Here you go." I said, handing him the sword.

He reluctantly handed me the rail. I couldn't blame him. I'd had some good luck with that rail as well.

"Any idea where we are?"

"No." he replied.

"Any idea why we are here?"

"No."

"Have you seen anyone else?"

"No."

"Do you answer all questions with 'no'?"

"Yes." he grinned at that.

"Oh good. At least you have a sense of humor. That makes you not annoying. Although I suppose you're going to tell me your first name is Grigori?"

"No. But I can understand why you would say that. I do look an awful lot like Grigori Rasputin. But unlike him, I have glasses, and I'm not insane or evil."

"Noted. So, got any ideas?"

"No."

I sighed. Most anyone would at that point.

Fortunately the both of us were saved from more dialog by a sound from the building nearest to us. Namely the sound of the building catching on fire, as if someone inside had poured gasoline everywhere before lighting it.

As both of us turned toward the door, someone came out of the building. The best way for me to describe said individual would be: male; late 40's, early 50's; wearing a fedora and a black overcoat. The white hair, mustache and beard said person had would also be added to the description.

Both of us stared at him while he stared at us. That lasted only three seconds. That's when he smiled at us.

"Gentlemen, I assume that both of you are from out of town?" he asked.

I nodded. "We'd like to complain to the Chamber of Commerce if we could. Or your Tourism Board. Whichever."

"Oh really?" he asked.

"You seem to have something attacking here." came the reply from the person with me.

"Attacking? What do you mean?" he asked.

That was the cue for the building behind us to suddenly explode. Naturally, the both of us turned to dodge any debris as well as try to see what happened. By the time we turned back a second or two later, the gentleman was gone.

"He's gone?" my traveling companion asked.

"That's not at all suspicious." I said, before turning to him. "Shall we try to chase after him?"

He nodded. "Yes, we better."

Since he hadn't went past us, I decided that he had gone around the corner. When I got to the corner, I was not disappointed to see him disappear around the next corner. I kept after him, with my traveling companion following behind, then alongside as we ran down a long alley.

After the third corner, I asked said companion, "I don't suppose you can run faster than this can you?"

"I can. Why?"

"He's getting faster. We might lose him at this rate."

He nodded and sprinted ahead of me.

It turned out to be unnecessary as he ran out into a very wide street that had people on each side.

As both of us followed, it became clear that the crowd wasn't very interested in what was happening. It took me a few seconds for me to realize that they were rather _stiff_.

As I looked at the people, it because clear that they were not normal. Most people do not have gray as a skin tone. Or remain unmoving while people are running past them. Or remain unmoving period.

'What the hell...' I thought, right before I had to stop myself, both mentally and physically.

Everyone else had stopped right in the middle of the street. I managed to not run over my new companion and instead focused on the gentleman we had been following.

The aforementioned gentleman had two of those creatures by him. Both of them looked similar to the one I had disarmed back at the alley. Right down to the swords they carried.

_I do believe we are in big trouble._

I stared at the three ahead of me for a few seconds. It took that long for my brain to come up with a suitable response.

"Friends of yours?"

He smiled. "As a matter of fact, they are my followers."

"Ah. Minions." I nodded in understanding.

"We are devoted to our leader." One of them hissed in my general direction.

"Ah. _Unthinking_ minions. Best kind really."

I'm sorta used to having people stare at me for my remarks. So I was not surprised at the stares I was getting. Even from the guy I rescued.

The whatever-monster-it-was that had hissed at me decided to charge at me. The gentleman looked like he was about to say something but whatever he was going to say was lost as his follower charged.

I freaked. I tried to step backward, and promptly fell on my ass.

_Oh good job! Did you bring a white flag to wave?_

When it approached me and looked like it was going to taunt me, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I kicked it.

Time seemed to stop.

_Did you just kick that monster in the family jewels?_

Apparently I had, as it cringed in agony and fell to the ground. I scrambled to get up. As I did I glanced over at my new companion and said, "Running might be a good idea."

"You're going nowhere." Monster number two had decided to appear in front of me as I was still trying to get up. Monster number two was looking more at my companion in an effort to intimidate him.

I lifted my arm that had the iron rail quickly. I got lucky.

_Did you just hit... You know what? I'm not even going to bother with that. But I think if you make it out of this, you will officially be out of luck for the year._

Monster number two joined Monster number one on the ground clutching it's crotch and crying in pain. Both of us normal humans ran like hell.

"What was that for?" asked my companion.

"I panicked. Ok?" I replied as I ran.

As we ran, everything shook. From close by, there was a thunderclap that shook everything. The air seemed to vibrate, followed by the earth itself. My eardrums felt like they imploded into my skull. I'm sure my companion felt the same from the look on his face.

But we kept running. I didn't have any better ideas, and if my companion had any ideas, he wasn't sharing them. Of course, I think someone could have shouted in my ear and I wouldn't have heard them.

The good news was that I didn't need to hear the small boy that ran out of an alley, I just needed to see him to know he was there.

The guy who had been with me all this time also spotted the boy, and altered his path to scoop him up as he tried to run by.

"Aaaahhhhhh!"

Either that boy had a good set of lungs, or I wasn't as deaf as I had believed. Either way, he was loud.

"Put me down! There's monsters!"

"We know that! What did you think we were running from, disgruntled postal workers?" I replied as I closed with both of them. That was rather easy to do since the boy was obviously weighing down my companion.

"Here, let me have him." I suggested to said companion. He stopped long enough to hand the boy over to me. I noted that said boy had red hair and glasses before resuming running.

"Got any ideas?" the other guy yelled.

"Keep running." I replied.

Seconds later we arrived in a clearing by a large pond or small lake. Either way it was a body of water. No way to run around it that was obvious.

Both of us stopped running. I had no idea why my companion stopped, but I was trying to figure out which way to go.

That proved to be a mistake, as a monster that resembled the two monsters I had kicked in the balls came up behind us. The fact that it was bigger than either of them and it was followed by the two monsters I had kicked in the balls meant that we were in serious trouble.

Things happened fairly quickly after that. There was no talking, just action on both sides.

My companion charged one of the monsters, only to be swatted aside as he swung his sword at it.

I tried to run behind him in an effort to get the boy away. Unfortunately, the other monster _somehow_ got in front of me and tried to swing his sword. I raised the iron rail and managed to block it.

The largest whatever-it-was tried to say something. I am not sure what happened at that point, as I was too busy with defending both myself and the boy.

But I do know that I was about to just drop the boy and work on beating the one that was trying to kill me, when it somehow stabbed me. Well... us.

The sword went through the boy, and straight into me. The last things I heard was something from the large critter, followed by a woman's scream.

It sounded like she had screamed, "NEGI!"

* * *

_**Nimrod Notes:**_

This isn't completely my fault.

I've mentioned that this was started on the TVTropes forums. Specifically the All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread. You're free to wander over at and look at everything. There is a lot more topics discussed than Negima fanfiction. MUCH more.

The original idea was created by OverMaster for a collection of story snippets. Anyone could submit what they wanted, they just had to keep the theme of "Negi Raised by X."

Several of us submitted snippets. I submitted three myself. And then it happened.

Zephyrus Anemoi Fiction, or Anemoi as he is known on the Thread, submitted a short snippet titled "Negi Raised by Ala Iridia." It was only a few sentences, and over-the-top silly, but it wasn't bad.

That started the discussion flowing, especially about such things as "Could we even write such a thing?" It was somewhat decided that if any of the regular members were to try it, they might Flanderize the other members into oblivion.

The nature of my work keeps me from being online every day, so I missed a few days of discussion. By the time I jumped in, it was almost done.

Cue me being an idiot and volunteering to try to write such.

By the time I figured out that I was in deep trouble, it was too late of course. My original short snippet has now expanded to insane proportions, and will likely extend beyond just Wales to Mahora and the Magic World.

Now if I can just encourage myself and everyone else to write it...


End file.
